On page 219 with a page title of “The Storm” in a book my dear friend Ann Wilson read (I have to ask her the title again), was a passage that she felt so strongly about…enough so that she carries it in her wallet. We had breakfast together last week and she shared it with me and now I am sharing it with you.
“GRIEF IS A POWERFUL RIVER in flood. It cannot be argued or reasoned or wrestled down to an insignificant trickle. You must let it take you where it is going. When it pulls you under, all you can do is keep your eyes open for rocks and fallen trees, try not to panic, and stay face up so you will know where the sky is. You will need that information later. Eventually, its waters calm and you will be on a shore far from where you began, raw and sore, but clean and as close to whole as you will ever be again.”
This passage says what every person who has ever grieved has felt. My husband read it and said, “Wow, that’s heavy.” To which I replied, “Yes, as you know personally, grief is heavy.” He grunted and went to another room. Some of us don’t want to be reminded how intense grief can be. But, let’s face it…it is what it is.
This has been a heavy duty week for me. I had a questionable mammo which lead to ten days of waiting and wondering if my life was going to change again. I don’t want to sound whiney but I experienced that reality a little over four years ago and was not looking forward to going through it again. During the ten days of wonder and worry, I thought about my recently deceased brother and cousin and my little boy and their struggles with a body that had betrayed each of them. The memory of each one’s courage gave me the strength to face the possibilities head-on.
I had the re-do mammo and ultrasound yesterday. While lying in the dim ultrasound room waiting for the tech to show the film to the radiologist I prayed to God…and talked to Bobby and Cory. I told them that I wasn’t ready to be with them yet. But, I also told them that if that was what I had to do — so be it and I would be glad to see them. You know, the thought of not seeing them soon made me a bit sad too but my next thought was how liberated I felt when I recognized that I would be fine either way. Well, fortunately for me I was told that the multiple spots were most likely cysts and not tumors. The doctor will send film out to get a second opinion but I was relieved to not have to go through another breast cancer surgery, scary realities, etc. I would really like to meet and play with my youngest daughter’s grandchildren someday.
I will continue to navigate the powerful river, which to me represents grief and also life. Our lives are very much like a meandering river that pulls us one way or another…has rapids and flat spots and curves and currents. I believe that eventually we will land at the peaceful-beautiful setting for which each of us is destined.
Be well,
Shirley
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