Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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The things people say

The things people say

December 2, 2017 by Shirley Enebrad 2 Comments

I recently saw the Northern Lights while in Iceland. It was spectacular. Seeing them made me think of my son and others who have died and gone to Heaven. The dancing lights seemed full of joy. I imagined Cory seeing them from the other side.

Right after I got back from my trip, my friends Mark Tillman and April Braykovich (who lost her son Ryan and whom I met while conducting grief workshops in Seattle) came to Maui to get married. 17 years later and April is still my shining example of good grieving.

Mark and April left and now, I’m sitting here visiting with Laurel Miller, Sammy’s mom. Sammy was a bright beautiful radiant little human being who was flown down from Alaska for treatment in Seattle. We became friends and then, family. I used to do respite for Laurel so she could get out of the Ronald McDonald House and go to dinner or a movie and have a break from the rigors of taking care of a sick child 24/7. Sammy was a joyful little boy who could light up a room with his smile. He always had a great attitude. He thought I had the voice of an angel just like his…:)

Laurel and I were just reminiscing about the stupid non-helpful things people said to us before, during and after our son’s died. Neither of us is sure why people feel the need to comment in the first place but it is stunning how really stupid and insensitive well-intentioned people can be. Laurel was actually made to feel guilty or worse by the judgment of others. She recently suffered through an eight-year deterioration of her husband’s health too. The words, “Well, at least he isn’t suffering” coming from a woman who hasn’t lost a child or her husband is just plain stupid. The meaning behind that is “You shouldn’t be grieving. You should be glad he is gone because it was bad for him.” How is that supposed to be helpful? Or compassionate? Or even okay for someone to say? How about, “You’re still young.” Meaning the person you are grieving is replaceable. NOT OKAY. “Ya know, he did it to himself by doing X, Y or Z.” Again, that helps no one.

Think before you speak. Ask yourself, “Is this necessary? Kind? Helpful? or how about, “Do I really know what I am talking about?” Like my momma always said, “If you can’t say anything nice to someone, do not say anything at all.” Sound advice. Thanks, mom!

Be well,

Shirley

Grief, Life and Living, Self Care

Comments

  1. Shari Wallace says

    December 2, 2017 at 7:20 pm

    Thanks again Shirley for your great advice and reminders for those supporting family and friends after losing a loved one. I personally have lost loved ones this year and three close friends just lost their mother’s. I’m careful with my words and tend to reflect on positive memories of their loved ones.
    Love you my friend!

    Reply
    • Shirley Enebrad says

      December 6, 2017 at 6:19 pm

      Hugs to you Shari.

      Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Anyone going through the grieving process would benefit from this quick read. Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief is filled with keen insight and wisdom from the author who lost her own son, and through her own grieving process decided to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. In her quest to help others, Enebrad shows tremendous courage and transparency in dealing with her own grief to help others going through the grieving process. Beautifully done.
Lonnie Pacelli "The Project Management Advisor", Bellevue, WA
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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