I woke up this morning anticipating that it might be a bit sad for me because it is my son’s birthday and he is not here. He hasn’t been here meaning on earth in body for quite a number of years now. Yes, I still miss him and yes, his birthday is always a little difficult. Anyway, I grabbed my cell phone out of habit. I always check to make sure there aren’t any messages from my children. Well, one message caught my eye. It was from one of my best friends who lives in NC. It read something like KOMO TV Helicopter Crash. I ran for the bedroom to grab my glasses so I could actually read. I read the message again. I instinctively knew that my friend Bill was one of the deceased. I scrolled down to his place on my cell phone directory and punched the button. It rang once and went straight to voicemail. My heart stopped short. I closed my phone and went to my laptop in my living room. I went to Facebook. I saw a message from one of the reporters that Bill and I had both worked with. It read that he had lost a friend and colleague. As I searched down the FB messages I soon realized that there was an embargo on naming the victims of the crash. I scrambled to get ready for work. As I got out of my car I tried to call my friend and mentor Elaine. I left her a message. Then, I called another friend Josephine and said please call me back but please tell me that Bill wasn’t on that helicopter. Within minutes Josephine texted me back and sadly stated that yes, it was our friend Bill and that it was indeed heart breaking. I kept walking towards my building. I kept hearing my brain saying, “No! Oh no!” I walked faster. When I hit the lobby I kept my head down and made a beeline for my office. I burst into tears as soon as I got to my desk. Elaine called me back and we cried together. A short time later my friend Jamie called and we cried together too. I spent my whole day crying between work telephone calls and emails and personal text messages and phone calls. I cried and I listened to my aching heart. My boss offered me the opportunity to go home. I declined because I didn’t want to strand my co-worker with a lot of work when she came in. I also wanted to keep busy. But, consciously I allowed myself to cry whenever the thoughts of Bill crept back in or roared back in when people called or texted me about the crash. I did not stop myself from crying and I didn’t really care who saw me cry. I was processing my grief. I didn’t put my feelings in a jar and put it on the shelf for later. I let myself feel the pain and horror and sadness and I cried appropriately. I cried for Bill’s last 60 seconds where he must have known. I cried for his best friend and loving wife Nora who had no idea when he went off to work this morning that a tragedy would strike. I cried for his son and daughter who lost their kind caring and loving father and I cried as I thought of his sister. I cried for all of his friends and loved ones who will miss him terribly. And of course, I cried for myself who lost a dear friend who always had a smile a hearty laugh and an amazing heart. He was one of the best photographers I ever worked with — not just because he was artistic creative and always saw the whole picture…but because he was a truly gentle man. As I sit here and write about it I feel as if I am practicing what I preach about how to grieve in a healthy way. We grievers just have to go with it and think about it as we flow along the path of pain and sorrow. When it comes to grieving there is no such thing as a straight line. Remember that. I know I sound like a broken record but you cannot ignore grief, detour around it nor should you try to postpone it. Just feel it and experience the process so that you can get to the other side of it and start to enjoy the memories and the good times that you shared with the person who’s passing just left a hole in your heart. Be at peace Bill Strothman. You are already missed.
Be well.
I read all your blogs and each one helps me, but i want to know how long does it take before one can find peace? I can not think of my mom w/out bursting into tears, its hard to breath, and just so freaking sad. I miss her so much it hurts. Then i forget for a minute and go on w/ my day…… then think oh i have to tell mom…. then remember and it hits me like a brick in my face. Some times I feel so selfish cuz i got to have my mom for so long and others miss their loved ones who didn’t get that much time. This is torture ! love and miss your face. xoxoxo