Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Jars of Pain

Jars of Pain

January 22, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 1 Comment

Lack of focus and the inability to be present is a common issue for those who are grieving. I can remember struggling through meetings at work. It was a bad combination of me not being able to track what was going on because I was mentally and physically exhausted plus I am almost embarrassed to admit that I had a broken “care meter”. It wasn’t that I wanted to dwell on the death of my son. My brain was numb. I call it “Swiss cheese brain” because it feels like you have big holes everywhere and that you are not all there. It is something experienced by most people who are suffering from the death of a loved one. There are so many factors besides the lack of sleep…shock, anger, hopelessness and a variety of emotions all smacking you in the face at once.

A friend whose son died very recently just asked if I had any tips on how to cope. She was having a difficult time driving, chopping vegetables and staying focused. I shared my coping strategy of compartmentalizing my pain and my other emotions by visualizing putting them in a box with a lid. Then, after putting the lid on — placing the box on a shelf to be dealt with later. You could use the visual of Mason jars too. I once used jars but they remind me of a therapist who told me not to put my emotions in a jar and put them on the shelf.  She thought it was an unhealthy way to deal with past hurts.  Little did she know that my skill at shelving my pain would eventually save my life more than a few times.

Shortly after sending my jars and boxes strategy to my friend, she wrote me back to  report that it had saved her from accidentally chopping off a few fingers tonight. She had used the visualization in such a creative and self-empowering way. It made me happy to hear that it worked for her.

I know that someday when the numbness fades and the danger of doing bodily harm because of the lack of ability to stay focused goes away, my friend will be able to empty those boxes or jars and move forward cherishing all of her happy memories of her son. This little strategy worked for me and now my friend and it just might for you. If you are struggling with numbness and emotions that are getting in the way of your healthy happiness or safety give it a try.

Be well.

Shirley

Denial, Grief, Life and Living, Self Care

Comments

  1. Judy says

    January 23, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Cool, Shirley…I feel famous! Am sure I will have many more questions for you along the way. Am still going over and over things in my head and heart — one minute I think I’m doing better, and the next I’m right back where I was. The anger is retreating though, thank goodness. xoxo

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Reviews & Testimonials

I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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