Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Everyone’s grief journey is unique

Everyone’s grief journey is unique

May 18, 2018 by Shirley Enebrad Leave a Comment

Is there something wrong if we don’t feel sad when someone dies? What if we do not share the same religious or spiritual beliefs? What if the person who died isn’t your favorite, to begin with? There are many factors involved. We could probably all do with a lot less judgment in our lives, right?

I met a teenaged boy (let’s call him Jake) whose stepfather died unexpectedly. His mother was devastated as was his half-sister because mom had lost her husband and the sister grieved her father. When we met, Jake was more upset with the way he was being judged and treated. Apparently, everyone around his family at the time kept trying to fix him. The well-meaning outsiders determined that since he wasn’t crying or openly upset by his stepfather’s death there was something wrong with him.  As a result, these folks insisted that his mother do something about him.

Jake was forced to attend a grief workshop I was facilitating. He came in with a surly attitude. He didn’t want to participate in any of the crafts or writing projects the others were gladly working on. I pulled him aside and asked what was on his mind. He spilled. I listened. I agreed with him. He spoke honestly about how his stepfather treated him as if he were a slave, or worse as if he was in the way. Jake had never felt close to this man. It made sense to me why he wasn’t crying. He was not going to miss the guy one bit. Jake felt sorry and sad for his mother and especially for his little sister. We talked about how he could support his mom and sister through their grief.  I encouraged him to sit his mother down and be honest about how he felt about her husband. He realized that was the only way he would get people off his back. He was reluctant to do it for a while but felt trapped that she would be stressing out about him not behaving properly. I promised to speak with her.

When Jake’s mom came to pick him up, she was anxious to find out how Jake had done. First I explained that kids but especially teens do not grief right away. On average teens’ grief rears its head around 18 months after the death. That is always puzzling to parents and teachers because they don’t understand that the anger and acting out are tied to the death. Secondly, I asked for her assessment of her son’s relationship with her husband. Poor thing hadn’t a clue that her son really never felt connected to her husband. I told her that Jake wanted to speak with her when the time was good for her, but that she needed to back him up and not let others’ judgment push her into expecting more than Jake had to give. I suggested that she needed to concentrate on herself and her daughter, that Jake was fine. She thanked me.

Several months afterward, I got a note in the mail from a grateful teenaged boy. I think of Jake often. I know he is fine. He just needed to be heard and allowed to be honest without judgment.

If you know someone who isn’t acting the way you think they should after a death or other loss, please be supportive without judgment. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s grief journey is unique. Not everyone shares your religious beliefs.

Be well,

Shirley

 

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Reviews & Testimonials

This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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