Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Guilt is a By-product of Grief

February 25, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad Leave a Comment

guilt

: responsibility for a crime or for doing something bad or wrong

: a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong

Guilt is a naturally occurring by-product of grief. Sometimes for me, it feels like being alone in a desolate place like a desert or a foggy forest to deal with my sense of shame and the feeling that I didn’t do the right thing.  It might feel differently for you. Most of us feel as if we have done something bad or wrong when a loved one dies.   Merriam says it differently and obviously the first definition in Merriam’s doesn’t apply to grievers…unless involved with the death like murder or euthanasia. It is common however if the griever was providing care such as babysitting and the child gets injured or worse. Just a few weeks ago here in a community near where I live a two year-old child fell into a community pool with his caregiver mere feet away. She turned to hand someone her cell phone and in that few moments her attention was diverted. This poor young woman will never forgive herself and is understandably consumed with guilt. The parents of the baby have graciously told her that they don’t blame her and that they know she loved their little angel but she feels the pain of his loss and the pain and shame of guilt. I heard of a husband and wife situation where their teenaged son overdosed on drugs while mom was at work and dad was home. The wife blames the husband for not being responsible enough to stop their son from harming himself. She claims that if she had been home it would not have happened. I believe she feels guilty for not knowing that her son was doing drugs and that she failed to stop him but is deflecting her guilt onto her husband.

I don’t care how much you cared for or did physically emotionally or financially for your loved one there is always a reason to feel guilt. Most often it’s that you didn’t do enough…you didn’t do it correctly…you weren’t there…you weren’t tuned in to his or her needs…you “woulda shoulda coulda.” Then, there are the gazillion of reasons you can dredge up from your past to feel guilt. My grandfather died when I was 20 years old or so. He lived in another state and would come to visit us once a year. During those trips he always wanted to go up to Vancouver BC to visit his nephew. Well, I was a teenager or younger doing my own thing and did not want to be crammed into a car for three plus hours up and three plus hours back to visit people I didn’t know. After gramps died I wished I had gone at least one time. When my mom died I really felt that I had not spent enough time with her. I was too busy working and raising my own children. We lived in the same city twenty minutes apart. I visited regularly but after she died I just knew in my heart and soul that I could have done more and made more time to be with her. When my little boy died I didn’t feel guilt as much as I felt regret for being too harsh or not being a good enough listener. I didn’t feel guilty because I did care for him and I did my best to treat him with respect and dignity throughout his long illness and subsequent death. But we all have things we can come up with to beat ourselves up.

So, the best advice I can give is to concentrate on the things you did right…the times you did spend with him or her…the love you shared…and the best parts of your relationship. Most importantly forgive yourself for not being perfect. No one is perfect and hardly any of us can predict the future.  Be kind to yourself. Focus on the love. Leave the guilt and self-abuse in that isolated desert and try to put it behind you.

Be well,

Shirley

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Reviews & Testimonials

I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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