Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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15 Tips to help you through the holidays

15 Tips to help you through the holidays

December 24, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 1 Comment

This has been a tough year. Sadly, I know that is true for many of you reading my blog. This photograph of an old timey looking barn in the country in the dark is how sadness is depicted in my head. It is alone…the sky isn’t completely dark but mostly…it looks remote but it is sitting on a nice green hill so it isn’t all bad. Sorry for rambling—grief tends to do that to me. Anyway, sometimes life just hands us a big steaming pile of poo right? And we have to navigate around it the best that we can. It helps to do it one step at a time while moving forward. Let’s be honest. Some days I would rather just stay in bed all day or hideout in the little country barn in my mind and let the world pass me by. Yes the idea of escaping from everything…work, family, grocery shopping…you name it sounds so wonderful and every now and then it would actually be fine to take a mental health day. But, in reality not many of us can afford to stay in that bed or barn for very long. That is even harder during the holidays when memories of past happy times are plentiful. And the person who is missing is even more evident and we cannot pretend that they are just away as easily as the rest of the year.

As Christmas approaches, I am reminded that last year I wrote a blog about getting through the holidays. In the midst of grieving myself, I decided to take my own advice and take care of myself. So, with that as my excuse/explanation I am reprising a good portion of that particular blog post for you now.

Here are some things to think about as the holidays approach.

  1. Remember that your loved one wants you to be happy. Acknowledge your pain and then put your energy into honoring his or her memory.
  2. Make your own memories. The holidays are often difficult, stressful, and sad even for those not grieving. It isn’t about the ads you see in magazines or on TV. The way you feel about holidays comes from memories of your own childhood…some happy some sad. If you are grieving don’t try to live up to the Madison Avenue version of the holidays. Do what you can.
  3. Continue to include your loved one in your celebrations. I still to this day put ornaments my son made or that were given to him on our tree. I did eventually decide not to hang his stocking, but he is not forgotten.
  4. Spend family time reminiscing about holidays or occasions when your loved one was still alive.
  5. On the holiday take some time to watch family videos or go through photos together.
  6. Laugh often.
  7. Eat healthy foods and make sure that you are getting enough exercise and sleep.
  8. Volunteer to help others. It will make you feel good. You might want to invite your family members to join you in serving at a soup kitchen or giving away toys at a shelter or hospital.
  9. Donate to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give to his or her favorite cause. My brother and sister-in-law donated to charity in my son’s name for the first few years and gave me a card with that information on it. So, while my nieces, nephews and my daughter were opening their gifts it touched me to know that my son was included in the gift giving. In honor of my son Cory, my family always supplies the altar flowers at church on his birthday and at least once during the holidays.
  10. Again, we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless one is behaving in a self-destructive way. Do what you can.
  11. Respect the coping style of those who are also grieving. Their style might be the opposite of your but they are doing what they can manage too.
  12. Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one who died. Acknowledge his or her and do not afraid of upsetting others in the process.
  13. Create new rituals that include the celebration of your loved one. For example, at your family celebration (or add another group or family gathering such as a lunch or dinner during the holidays) ask each family member or friend to bring an item for a memory box. They could write a favorite memory, share a photo, write a poem or letter and then spend some time sharing each item. Place the items in the box that you all decorated or selected together. Each year add new items.
  14. Listen to your body. Don’t push yourself too hard. Do what you can. If the death is very recent your first priority is to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
  15. Surround yourself with supportive, loving, caring people and then, if needed don’t be shy about asking for help. If you don’t have the energy or desire to get your shopping, the house decorated or your holiday baking or cooking done ask those supportive friends and family members for help. Do what you can.

As the holidays approach, I would like to encourage everyone to live with gratitude and the knowledge that you are doing your best to cope with what life has thrown in your path. Do what you can one step at a time and instead of hiding out in bed or that country barn…get out, be with friends and family.

Be well,

Shirley

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Comments

  1. Judy Driggers says

    December 24, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you, Shirley and Merry Christmas.

    Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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