Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Young Widows

Young Widows

July 7, 2019 by Shirley Enebrad Leave a Comment

If you google “Young Widows” or “Young Widows and Widowers” all you get are dating sites. I was stunned. As if the main point is to replace the person who died. From my clients, I know for a fact that replacing a beloved spouse is the furthest thing from the minds of grievers no matter his or her age.

Young widows are a sub-category of grievers. Not to sound so clinical about it., but age does make a difference in the way young widows are treated. People tend to say things such as; “You’re young. You will meet another special person. You’re lucky you are still young enough to meet someone else.” People! Please don’t say such incredibly thoughtless platitudes to someone who’s whole future just crashed and burned. Unless you have been through it and had the exact same relationship (impossible) with your partner, experienced the same situations, and planned the same future, please do NOT say, “I know how you feel.” “I understand.” “It’s for the best.” “Time heals.” “When are you going to get out there and date?” “You’re young, pretty, ____, so it will be easy for you to find another.” Trust me, none of the cliches make a griever feel better and could just get you punched in the face or at the least, unfriended.

So what should one say? The best advice I have heard given, “Don’t eat the fridge.” This is really sound advice. People deal with grief in a variety of ways. Many use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. Some folks can’t eat. Some overeat, hence the crack about the fridge. My comfort food is dark chocolate. I use it for stress, grief, sadness, etc. Other things you might say that could actually help? “What can I do to help?” (Not let me know if I can help.) “Make a list of chores I can do for you,” “Everyone grieves differently.” “Whatever you are feeling is normal.” “I am here if you need me Anytime.” “I will be here when you need me.”

After the numbness wears off, you will be lonely. Try not to isolate yourself. Make sure you get enough rest. Stay hydrated. Surround yourself with supportive people. Find a grief counselor. Join a support group. There are online groups even if you can’t find one where you live.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with the five stages of grief for dying patients, not grievers. So, even though the descriptions fit, please remember there is nothing routine about grief. Everyone grieves differently, so the phases are not in order and not everyone experiences each one. Numbness, denial, anger, sadness, all for now.

Be well,

Shirley

 

 

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Reviews & Testimonials

Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Anyone going through the grieving process would benefit from this quick read. Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief is filled with keen insight and wisdom from the author who lost her own son, and through her own grieving process decided to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. In her quest to help others, Enebrad shows tremendous courage and transparency in dealing with her own grief to help others going through the grieving process. Beautifully done.
Lonnie Pacelli "The Project Management Advisor", Bellevue, WA
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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