Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Wailuku Widows “Your Heart Still Beats”

Wailuku Widows “Your Heart Still Beats”

February 14, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 1 Comment

I spent the evening co-facilitating a three hour grief workshop entitled “Your Heart Still Beats” in Wailuku. In attendance were several widows and being with them taught me so much.  All of them had been married for decades. Each one lamented how her husband had been so strong and strapping in life and how shockingly hard it was when he died.  The relationship between spouses is of course different than a parent and child, or siblings, and so, those differences carry over with grief too.

There is the trauma of being forced to adjust to a new identity. Many don’t know the ins and outs of the family’s finances or how to cope with a sudden change in status. The pain of losing a best friend, confidante, lover, co-parent, life partner is so huge. Talk about overwhelming!

Guilt was a big theme too. I am pretty sure that your loved one would not want you berating yourself because you didn’t do x, y or z. Guilt doesn’t serve any good purpose. So please try to let it go so that you can use your energy to make it through the obstacle course and come out whole on the other side of the grieving/healing process.

Here are some important points when forced into the role of widow or widower.  

  • You will experience a range of unfamiliar emotions. Feelings such as shock, numbness, anger, pain, helplessness, hopelessness and especially confusion can take you by surprise. Just know that these emotions are completely normal and that there is no set pattern for grief.
  • Give yourself permission. Men and women grieve differently. Repeat after me, Men and women grieve differently. Trying to “bop til you drop” postpones the reality for while but filling each day with frantic activity may compound your grief. Denial doesn’t work forever and at some point you will have to face it.
  • You will eventually overcome your grief. There is no magic time frame for the end of your mourning process. It doesn’t work that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It just doesn’t. You have to work at it. Also, mourning is a natural and highly personal process. No one grieves the same way or in the same amount of time.
  • Feeling off balance is normal. Grief is not a mental illness. The strong feelings suffered during grief gradually fade. You will start feeling stable again at some point. It will take work and you are not losing your mind or going crazy. You are grieving.
  • You can say goodbye and survive. This may be the hardest part of the grief process but you will have to say goodbye. You will have to wish him or her well in your heart and acknowledge that he or she is no longer suffering or in pain. It feels overwhelming but letting go and saying goodbye is a sure sign that you are healing.
  • Take care of yourself. Grief puts us in a state where we often don’t care about our own health and welfare. You may have been so focused on care giving that your sense of self is lost or put on the backburner. Or if the death was sudden you are in a funk feeling numb and cannot even perceive that your health is being compromised by stress or neglect. Try to maintain some form of regular exercise, eat healthy foods and get good sleep. If any of these become an issue please see your doctor.

I hope to see these women again in the future to see how they are faring on their own. They each touched my heart. You just never know what life is going to hand you so, do yourself  favor and tell your loved ones at least once a day or more often how much you love them.

Steve, Brie, Noel, Keawe, Keoni, Keili, Malia, Miranda, Shaina, the babies, my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. I love you more than you will ever be able to fathom.

Be well,

Shirley

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Comments

  1. Wafi says

    August 17, 2015 at 4:07 am

    So much of what I work with in the ministries I lead have to do with coainchg. You really did save the best, and most important, for last. Accountability, walking the talk, in a manner that is consistent with the integrity we talk about and keeping that walk to a high standard are so important in influencing other leaders to up’ their game. I have a group of people around me that are constantly watching me and they have my permission and bring things to my attention quickly if I ever get off base. So valuable.

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Reviews & Testimonials

This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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