Ever since my brother Bobby was a teen he loved his guitars. He had a natural talent and could play anything by ear. It was amazing that he could tune guitars perfectly before he even knew what he was doing. It reminds me that he lived his life that way too.
He died a little over a month ago. It should not have happened. He was too young. It wasn’t fair or pleasant or without struggles and pain. so, as Thanksgiving approached it made sense that in my mind I kept asking myself, “Giving thanks for what?” You may have been asking that question too especially if you are grieving the death of a loved one. “What is there to be thankful for exactly?” This was the theme drumming through my head the last few weeks as the Thanksgiving got closer.
I had to sit down clear my head and take stock of what I could and should be grateful for while in the midst of being sad and upset about the death of my brother. It was not easy. I am still very raw emotionally and ticked off at the way the medical “system” failed my brother in his time of need. That is another story and believe me, I am working on an article about that…but for now, I am going to concentrate on whether or not it is necessary to find something to feel thankful about. Sure, I could dwell on my anger and be bitter and negative. That is how I feel on some days. I could wallow in all of that but since the Thanksgiving Day holiday is all about “thanks” and “gratitude” I decided it would be good for me and my family to go there instead.
This is the beginning of the holiday season and it is going to be rough for his wife and kids for sure. I already know how hard it’s going to be for me so the smart decision was to find a way to look for the good things and try to ignore the anger and sadness. So, after much thought here’s my list: I am grateful that Bobby is no longer suffering. I am grateful that he had a good life with a loving family who adored him. I am grateful for the time I had him in my life. I am grateful that Bobby was close to my children. I am grateful that he and I were close in so many ways. I am grateful that I got to spend time with him before he died. I am grateful that my work leaders were so supportive and allowed me that time to be with Bobby. I am grateful for his wife Lynette and their kids Nici and Adrian and how they took such good care of him. I am grateful for our family. I am grateful for my remaining brothers and sisters and their families, and our cousins, aunties, uncles who all loved and cared about Bobby. I am grateful that he was loved by so many friends. I am grateful that Bobby loved to create music and that his passion sustained him through so much pain. I am grateful for the doctors and nurses who were kind and caring. (the rest I will address another time).
So, if you are getting ready to face the holidays and are in the midst of grieving, I can honestly tell you that this exercise helped me. Once you start putting a list down on paper it gets easier to see that even though your heart is broken there are so many things for which you can be grateful. It made me feel better to concentrate on good memories rather than the sad ones. Try it! Let me know if it works for you. Think of Bobby tuning his guitars to perfection and playing without knowing how to read sheet music. I am so grateful that his passion was making music for himself and others to enjoy.
Be well.
Shirley
Shirley, first let me express condolences for the loss of your brother, and my friend, Bobby. The news of his passing was a great shock to me. I met Bobby when I joined the Rainier Beach High School Band back in 1975 as a keyboard player. We quickly became great friends, sharing a love of music and our Filipino backgrounds. Bobby and I, along with our mutual friend/drummer Fred Hall, spent a lot of time together back in the late 70’s (we were the Three Amigos!) We played a lot of jam sessions, hung out at each others apartments (your mom was always feeding us chicken adobo and rice, and the family dog Munzie actually took a liking to me!), spent afternoons or evenings at Alki Beach or the Seattle Center, or brought the portable grill down to Seward Park to cook up his tasty steak strips. Sometimes Gerald would join us when he wasn’t lifting weights or working on his sports car.
Bobby called me out of the blue about three years ago. We had not talked since the mid-1980’s when I left Seattle and started touring the west with my dad’s band. Bobby and I had a great time catching up on the years that had passed, sharing stories about ourselves and our families. The friendship was still as strong as ever, and we were more like brothers than friends. I tried to call him on my last visit to Seattle this past September, but there was no answer and I left a message for him to call me, hoping that we could get together. He must have been sick at that time. I had planned on calling him in the new year, having written his name on my mirror as a reminder. Tonight I decided to look up his name on Google, perhaps see if there was any pictures of him out there, and saw your blog with the unfortunate news.
I am grateful that I knew him, and my heart is filled with many happy memories of our times together.
God bless
JJ Ofrancia
jjo215@frontier.com
Aloha,
I just finally decided to write a new blog article today. I have been kind of flaky since I am still grieving Bobby’s death. It was a wonderful surprise to get your message. Thank you for taking the time to write. I am sure that you know that Freddie died a few years ago too. Most of the guys Bob used to play with have already gone to the other side and I know that they are jamming together now. Yes, he was quite ill in September and more than likely was in the hospital when you tried to reach him. He fought until the end. He didn’t want to leave his wife and kids but at the end it was no longer up to him as the cancer filled up his lungs. Bobby was one of the most tender hearted people I have ever known and like you I am grateful that he was part of my life. I just wish he had been able to stay longer. His wife Lynette and his kids are coming over to Hawaii in a few weeks and I will tell them that I heard from you. They are struggling so please send up prayers that they will be made stronger from the loss but able to heal as much as possible.
Warmest Aloha,
Shirley
PS– I just had a thought that probably came from Bobby. You must be Johnny? I remember you very well. Hugs to you! I hope you are living the life that God intended and enjoying it!
Hi, Shirley! Glad to read your response. Bobby had told me that Freddie died a few years, back, complications from diabetes if I remember right. I often think about the times Bobby, Freddie and I spent together, so much fun… lot of laughs, lots of time playing music… Freddie would lay down a drum track, Bobby would come up with a new bass lick, I’d find the right chords on my keyboard… we’d get lost for hours!
I can relate to the passing of a loved one by cancer, my dad died from complications related to leukemia back in 2010. He was in such great health for so many years, seemed like he was destined to live forever. He was first diagnosed and treated in 2007, made it through chemo clean, but then it resurfaced in 2009. Fortunately (a peculiar turn on the word) family and friends had time to adjust and prepare for his passing. Of course it was painful to lose him, but there was also a sense of relief that he was at peace and no longer suffering. And with unmistakable certainty, he let me know he made it to the other side.
Prayers for Bobby’s family; time will provide healing but it can take a long time. I regret not having had the chance to meet them, or Bobby my family. If not too personal, was Bobby buried in a cemetery? If so, I would like to visit his grave site on my next visit to Seattle.
Yes, I am John, but haven’t gone by that name for many years. I remember you too. When did your parents pass away? Your dad took us out frequently on the houseboat, and your Mom’s cooking was always awesome. Is your brother Gerald (we used to call him “Geeg”) still around?
Do you have any pictures of Bobby in his later years? If so, could you e-mail one at jjo215@frontier.com?
Many thanks
JJO