It is fascinating to see bridges that are basically made of wire provide the necessary support to heavy vehicles that constantly cross over it…especially since the bridge is made of heavy concrete too. Grief support feels like that sometimes.
“There is no sadness without great love.” My son’s birthday was last week. It is strange but true that I miss him more now than ever. I always think of what he would have been like as a young man had he survived. What would he be doing with his life? How would he have changed the world by staying? I know that my life and my daughter Brie’s life would be radically different.
After I posted a birthday greeting for him on FB and it was so great to get so many messages from people who knew him and even those who only knew him through my book, “Over the Rainbow Bridge.” It did my heart a world of good.
I was talking to my mother-in-law last night and she mentioned Cory’s birthday. Then, we talked about how she feels now ten years after her daughter Anne, my husband’s only sibling died. We both agreed that the depth of sadness that we feel as moms who have outlived our kids would not be possible without great love. Nancy, my mom-in-law mentioned the pangs of pain she still gets now and then. I told her that it has been even longer for me and honestly, those pangs don’t go away. Time doesn’t change the big hole in your heart. You just learn to live with that imperfect heart. I know that doesn’t sound very supportive but it is. There is no way to sugar coat the experience so fair warned is much better.
We each deal with loss and grief differently. You can talk about it and get some insight but each of us feels and reacts to pain differently too. When you go through losses it brings up issues from previous deaths. My brother’s and my cousin’s death so close to each other made me think of how fast time flies as we get older. I am supportive but the pain of their children and spouses is very hard to witness. My heart aches for my sister-in-law, my cousin John’s wife Jeanne and all of the kids. My son’s death made me think of lost potential, how unfair life can be and all the things Cory was not able to experience. His sister struggled with her grief throughout her life. My parents’ deaths made me think of my childhood and how hard it is to raise a healthy family…and how I wished I could have been a better daughter and much more patient. The list can go on forever I suppose.
I really hate cancer. But, then I foolishly watched some news during my lunch break today. I was horrified by the story about the pilot who intentionally crashed the plan into the French Alps killing 150 innocent people…many children. I feel so sad for the families. The victims were minding their own business and out of no where this obviously disturbed individual who probably has grief stricken parents too, decided to end their lives. I cannot make sense of that anymore than I can of why some people get cancer and others don’t…some survive others don’t. It also made me think of my dear friend Bill who was doing his job and suddenly died when the helicopter he was on crashed right outside the TV station. No, I cannot wrap my head around it but it’s only been a year.
This is a roundabout lesson in knowing that life can be filled with pain sometimes and we just have to be strong and comfort ourselves with happy memories of our time spent with those who left us too soon. They wouldn’t want us to dwell on the sadness. Please try to act like one of those amazing bridge wires and support one another and share your happy memories with aloha.
Be well,
Shirley
Leave a Reply