When you lose a loved one, it can break your heart and your spirit. It can feel like being at the bottom of a valley that will take forever to climb out from. It takes a long time to sort out your feelings…good and bad. This reminds me of the stage of grief that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with. They were actually meant for a dying person not those grieving a loss. Her explanation of the stages of grief have been corrupted and misquoted. The truth of the matter is that some of what Kubler-Ross described does fit grievers but possibly not in the same way.
When someone dies unexpectedly we are often angry. Anger aimed at the person who died is common. Anger at God for letting it happen is common. Anger at the person we choose to blame for the death is common. It is common but it doesn’t have to consume you.
Other emotions happen too. Of course we are sad when we experience a death. Sadness is inevitable. It will pass. Depression is also very common. Doesn’t matter how prepared one might be for an expected death – depression and sadness go hand in hand.
We may be shocked when someone dies especially because of an accident. Numb is always a given. Part of it could be due to exhaustion both mental and physical. I have observed that it typically takes four months before the numbness fades away. Numbness can be mistaken for denial.
Bargaining doesn’t fit with post death emotions. It certainly would with someone who is dying or in my case, my father promised God that he would stop drinking alcohol if God would spare my son’s life. It didn’t work. My dad then became angry with God but shockingly he did not start drinking again as I would imagine most disappointed bargainers would.
Acceptance is a toss up for me. I am not too keen on that word. For me this all ties in to the whole idea of time healing us. I think we do get used to the person not being there physically but I just think that Kubler-Ross was talking about a dying person being able to let go.
When you feel as if you have hit the floor of the valley it is time to take action. It is totally up to you how to climb up out of the depths. It is time to choose life…moving on…self care. So, give yourself the opportunity to heal. Go to a support group. Attend a grief workshop. Read books. Surround yourself with supportive people. Find a grief counselor…someone you can talk to about all of those feelings you might not know how to handle. Even if you are moving through the grief and feeling better it always helps to talk to someone who understands what you are going through and what is still to come.
Be well,
Shirley
Thank you Shirley for this post. I am feeling all of those emotions…the anger is subsiding some, but the others tumble around like clothes in a dryer. Just when one feeling passes, another is in its place, or just added on to the other. I especially like that you clarified the stages described by Dr. Kubler-Ross. Her work does apply to the dying, and in some respects for the grieving, but there are differences as you pointed out.
I have experienced from other losses that time does not heal all wounds, as the saying goes. It may make one’s pain a little less sharp, but the loss — the missing of a loved one — is always there at some level. I am thankful to be reminded of that now that I’m grieving the loss of my son. This way I will not be hard on myself if I haven’t “healed” after a certain amount of time. I know that life will go on, but it will be okay if I take the memory of him along with me.
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Aloha,
Many thanks for the great comments. You made my day! If you buy my books and write reviews on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com that would be a great donation. Please tell everyone you know to subscribe too. Unfortunately everyone has to deal with grief sooner or later. Aloha, Shirley
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Thanks for the nice comments. I hope you subscribe and share my blog. You might want to check out my books too. They have helped many people dealing with loss. Take care, Shirley
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It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely
donate to this excellent blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google
account. I look forward to brand new updates and will share this
website with my Facebook group. Talk soon!