Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Climbing Out of the Valley

Climbing Out of the Valley

January 31, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 7 Comments

When you lose a loved one, it can break your heart and your spirit. It can feel like being at the bottom of a valley that will take forever to climb out from. It takes a long time to sort out your feelings…good and bad. This reminds me of the stage of grief that Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with. They were actually meant for a dying person not those grieving a loss. Her explanation of the stages of grief have been corrupted and misquoted. The truth of the matter is that some of what Kubler-Ross described does fit grievers but possibly not in the same way.

When someone dies unexpectedly we are often angry. Anger aimed at the person who died is common. Anger at God for letting it happen is common. Anger at the person we choose to blame for the death is common. It is common but it doesn’t have to consume you.

Other emotions happen too. Of course we are sad when we experience a death. Sadness is inevitable. It will pass. Depression is also very common. Doesn’t matter how prepared one might be for an expected death – depression and sadness go hand in hand.

We may be shocked when someone dies especially because of an accident. Numb is always a given. Part of it could be due to exhaustion both mental and physical. I have observed that it typically takes four months before the numbness fades away. Numbness can be mistaken for denial.

Bargaining doesn’t fit with post death emotions. It certainly would with someone who is dying or in my case, my father promised God that he would stop drinking alcohol if God would spare my son’s life. It didn’t work. My dad then became angry with God but shockingly he did not start drinking again as I would imagine most disappointed bargainers would.

Acceptance is a toss up for me. I am not too keen on that word. For me this all ties in to the whole idea of time healing us. I think we do get used to the person not being there physically but I just think that Kubler-Ross was talking about a dying person being able to let go.

When you feel as if you have hit the floor of the valley it is time to take action. It is totally up to you how to climb up out of the depths. It is time to choose life…moving on…self care. So, give yourself the opportunity to heal. Go to a support group. Attend a grief workshop. Read books. Surround yourself with supportive people. Find a grief counselor…someone you can talk to about all of those feelings you might not know how to handle.  Even if you are moving through the grief and feeling better it always helps to talk to someone who understands what you are going through and what is still to come.

Be well,

Shirley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blog, Denial, Grief, Life and Living, Self Care

Comments

  1. Judy says

    January 31, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you Shirley for this post. I am feeling all of those emotions…the anger is subsiding some, but the others tumble around like clothes in a dryer. Just when one feeling passes, another is in its place, or just added on to the other. I especially like that you clarified the stages described by Dr. Kubler-Ross. Her work does apply to the dying, and in some respects for the grieving, but there are differences as you pointed out.

    I have experienced from other losses that time does not heal all wounds, as the saying goes. It may make one’s pain a little less sharp, but the loss — the missing of a loved one — is always there at some level. I am thankful to be reminded of that now that I’m grieving the loss of my son. This way I will not be hard on myself if I haven’t “healed” after a certain amount of time. I know that life will go on, but it will be okay if I take the memory of him along with me.

    Reply
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    • Shirley Enebrad says

      April 29, 2014 at 8:36 pm

      Aloha,
      Many thanks for the great comments. You made my day! If you buy my books and write reviews on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com that would be a great donation. Please tell everyone you know to subscribe too. Unfortunately everyone has to deal with grief sooner or later. Aloha, Shirley

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    • Shirley Enebrad says

      May 13, 2014 at 9:56 am

      Thanks for the nice comments. I hope you subscribe and share my blog. You might want to check out my books too. They have helped many people dealing with loss. Take care, Shirley

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Reviews & Testimonials

I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
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