Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Losing your way when a sibling dies

Losing your way when a sibling dies

May 2, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 1 Comment

It is a lonely road for most when a sibling dies. Sibling loss is different than other deaths. When your brother or sister dies it means the loss of lifelong expectations. You grew up with this person anticipating that some day when your parents will need care decisions or worse when they cross over the rainbow bridge that your sibling will be there to share the experience with you. Your shared history bonds you together and you can grieve together like no one else because others can’t laugh with you at the funny things that happened when you were growing up…or tear up with you when recalling the sad times such as when your pet parakeet or beloved cat or dog died and you held a funeral in the backyard. You more than likely shared the death of grandparents, aunts, uncles and even cousins. This is all part of the natural order of things. Losing your sibling before your parents throws everything off kilter. My husband became an only child after his younger sister died. It was so hard for him. He still had me and the girls but we don’t have that knowledge of their childhood history. Sure we had heard their stories over dinner or while opening Christmas gifts but it isn’t the same. Steve felt lost without Annie. His parents were grieving themselves and checked in with him periodically but the natural order had been disrupted. It took my husband a few years to come to terms with Annie’s death.

Grief is hard enough for adults so, can you imagine what that is like for a child whose sibling died? I watched my own daughter Brie’s reaction. She was six years old when Cory her brave protective older brother died. Her sense of safety died with him. She put on a brave front and to this day acts tough and sassy but it is a cover up for her fear. The world is not a safe place when you learn at such a young age that kids die too and that even going to the hospital and doctors for years doesn’t mean that you will survive diseases such as cancer. During treatments for long term illnesses siblings get lost in the shuffle of parents trying to cope with a sick child a huge medical machine and all of the emotional financial and physical burdens thrust upon them. No one ignores the siblings on purpose it just happens. I’ve met so many families split apart by a diagnosis especially if the mother and sick child are flown to another location for treatment while the father and siblings are usually left at home trying to cope on their own while scared out of their wits and go to school or continue working etc. I have seen siblings hurt themselves just to get attention. So, when a child dies the young children can be left with one or two barely functioning grieving parents who are so caught up in their own well of sadness that again, the other children are left to sort things out alone.

When I was in my late 20s my cousin Earl who was the same age as me, died unexpectedly. I will never forget when his mom called me to tell me and then she asked if I could come to help them. She said that my uncle wasn’t doing well with the death. Earl’s older brother Jr. flew up to be with his parents who were inconsolable. They were in such shock that he was left out a bit. He shared with me later how sad he felt that day and how only one person had asked him how he was doing with the loss of his younger brother. I am embarrassed to tell you that it wasn’t me who had asked him but he said it was okay because he appreciated that I was busy trying to help his parents get through the preparations for the funeral and reception afterwards.

When two of my cousins died they both lived very far away. I was not able to attend their funerals and as I look back now, I feel as if I wasn’t very supportive of either one’s sisters. Sorry Susie and Gail. I wish I had been better at this grief support stuff back then. It takes practice.

Just last week, several of my dear friends were faced with the death of their older sisters–in the same week. I made a point of contacting each of them and I plan to follow up with both. My friend Barb lost her sister unexpectedly and she describes to me regularly the same emotions that I witnessed with my husband Steve. So whether you have more than one brother or sister when a sibling dies from a long-term illness a short diagnosis or an accident you may be forced to navigate that lonely road that has peaks and valleys or no shoulders on your own… without one of the people who knows you best. It isn’t easy and most times it is really hard but enjoy him or her while you can so that you at least won’t have regrets.

If you are struggling down this sad lonely road called grief, please seek support from a good listener or a grief professional.

Be well
Shirley

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Comments

  1. Judy Driggers says

    May 3, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Another good one, Shirley…am sharing it with my kids. Losing a sibling as an adult is unbelievably hard especially if, as you say, it happens while parents are still living and the death upsets the natural order of things. It’s been a rough year for us – first losing a nephew (cousin/peer to my kids) then our son/brother and then my youngest sister (aunt to my children). It helps to have our grief acknowledged…thank you.

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Reviews & Testimonials

This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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