Here we are in the midst of the holidays and there have been too many suicides. This time of year appears to be especially difficult for those who suffer from depression. Those of us who are not depressed or not inclined to depression have no idea just how painful and debilitating it is to live with such intense sadness and darkness.
I live in a tropical locale yet we have an extremely high suicide rate—especially among young males. Consequently there are a number of one car accidents here. We have had some recent events and when talking about it with my boss, he told me that some folks who are contemplating suicide think it is a good idea to do it here rather than back home. This discussion occurred because a few weeks ago a man in his early 50’s jumped from either the top or one of the upper floors of a nearby resort. He was not a guest there. He had apparently come from the East coast the day before and played a few rounds of golf and then watched the ocean and stars until the wee hours of the morning before taking his own life. Two days later a man was on top of a construction crane at another resort threatening to jump. Someone talked him out of it.
This may be a time of joy, family and celebration but for people who are struggling with a chronic physical illness or a mental health issue it could just be overwhelming. People can feel lonely, sad and isolated during this season for many reasons. Bipolar disease is one of the worst mental illnesses I can think of. It seems like depression times a hundred. This disease has been the root cause of many suicides that’s for sure.
My friend sent a message that her son had died. He was in chronic pain and then came the bipolar diagnosis. She is devastated. I am for her. There is nothing anyone can do except listen and be a sounding board for those grieving after a suicide. My heart aches for my friend and her family. The young son gone too soon and at his own hand. Whenever anyone dies no matter the cause there is always guilt. I believe that those whose loved one died from suicide have even more guilt that they heap on themselves. “If only I had _________”fill in the blank- “he or she would not have ________ “fill in another blank. Very normal response but what does it get you? More pain and self-doubt.
My suggestion is to focus on the good times and the sweet memories. Celebrate his or her accomplishments. Try not to feel guilty. With adults especially, the loved one chose his or her path and his or her solution to the pain. Continue to love him or her. Try not to be angry, as that just hurts you. Trying to make sense of it is futile. We honestly never know what is going on in someone else’s mind and heart unless he or she wants to share their feelings and thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with loving, caring, supportive people and remember that he or she did not end life because of you. It was his or her story and his or her body and his or her decision. Life is about choices. If the only solution he or she felt would end the pain was suicide, then the pain must have been unbearable. Choose to be happy that you had him or her for as long as you did and be grateful that the suffering for your loved one is over.
Live aloha.
Shirley
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nothing seemed thiteeanrng to the pregnancy. It scared me alittle but i talked it over with my mom and she helped reasure me that everything was probably fine. (that happened on a thurs) But Sunday morning i noticed alittle bleeding so we went to the emergency room and they monitered me for several hours but they said i wasnt contracting and everything seemed fine so they sent me home on bedrest and set up an appointment the next day at the high risk clinic. I was having really back pain sunday night and i was still bleeding. When they checked me Monday morning at my appointment, I was 1 centimeter dialated. My mom and mother-in-law were with me and when i told them that i couldnt hold my fear in anymore and i started crying, i couldnt believe this was happening. The doctor rushed me back to Labor & Delivery and they started monitering me for contractions. Alan(my husband) arrived soon after that. I remember him asking me if i was scared, and i started crying and said yes. I was scared to death of losing my baby. I was having light contractions and was dialating even more. They gave me medicine to try to stop contractions and laid me flat on my back with the head of the bed tilted down to take away as much pressure as possible but nothing seemed to be working. I kept trying to believe that God would somehow stop my contractions and that my baby was gonna be ok. I kept asking throughout the day if i was still having regular contractions and at one point it seemed to be slowing down and i started getting more hopeful but the doc came and checked me again and i was almost 5 centimeters dialated and soon after that my water broke. At that point i knew there was no stopping this and all i could do was cry. We were going to lose our baby. I asked for an epidural but by the time they got to my room it was to late. I had to start pushing . Everything inside me was screaming NOOOOO .. you cant do this, its not time, my baby’s to small. The doctor had told me earlier that it was possible my baby would be born alive but there was nothing they could do to help the baby and that he/she would die. I didnt wanna push, I wanted to cry or scream or yell or do something, anything to make this bad dream go away, but it didnt. At 5:01 pm (only 22weeks) our precious little boy,Cody Alan, was stillborn. He was 1lb 9oz and 12.5 inches long. He looked so perfect, his toes and fingers were long just like his mommy and daddy and He looked like his Daddy.They let us hold him for as long as we needed to afterwards. By this time all my family and all of Alan’s family were there with us. There wasnt a single dry eye in the room. Everyone took turns holding him and we got lots of pictures. After probly close to 4 hours i had to go have a D&C done and i couldnt take Cody with me so we said our goodbyes and i gave him to my mom. Leaving that room knowing that when i came back my son would be gone was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my entire life. It felt like a piece of me had just been ripped out. I cried the whole way back to the OR. When i got back to the room more family and friends had arrived to see us but i dont really remember much about it, i was in a haze, i didnt wanna do anything, not even talk, i just wanted to hold tight to my husband and cry. They released us the next day and we went back to my parents place for the night. I wasnt ready to face going home and seeing my nursury we had just finished acouple days before this nightmare began. We decided to go home the next afternoon and we both cried so hard when we went in the nursury. All our dreams had just been crushed, everything we had been planning for in our lives had suddenly been changed. Thursday of that week we had a small burial service for Cody. That eve we had a visitation time so more extended family and friends could stop by. We dont know why God allowed this to happen, the doctors dont know why i suddenly went into labor but we are choosing to trust that God is going to use this nightmare from his glory and He is going to make us stronger ppl because of it. Thankyou for allowing me to share my story and tell you about my son. I never got to know him but I love him with all my heart and i cant wait till the day i can go to heaven and hold him again.
I am so honored that you shared your incredibly difficult story with me. The love that you have for Cody will live on for eternity. He knows how much you love him. God bless you and Alan. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. You are in my prayers. Shirley
How are you doing? I just reread your message and wanted to reach out to you. Please let me know. I care and hope life is getting easier for you.