Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Let it go…

Let it go…

May 18, 2015 by Shirley Enebrad 2 Comments

I have been thinking about the word closure. You hear it bandied about when people who are not grieving themselves talk about grief. Some of my fellow bloggers blame its overuse or use at all on the media during times of tragedy. I don’t know maybe that is where it started. For me, I first felt it when Cory died and four months later I ran into a fella who worked down the street from my office. I was on my way to the bank and we met up at the corner. He asked how I was. I told him the truth (bad of me to answer the question without giving a thought to his comfort), and he replied rather quickly, “Aren’t you over that yet?” This man had four children. I was taken aback by his lame insensitive question. So, I replied to him, “I will never be over it.” I never spoke to him again and I suspect he no longer went to the bank at 1:00pm to avoid running into me. But, who knows? Maybe he didn’t even understand what I had said.

Last week on Mother’s Day was the anniversary of Cory’s crossing over the rainbow bridge. I didn’t cry. But, the date arrived and I took some time to reflect. That is where all the thoughts about “closure” came from.

I think people want closure because grief can be very uncomfortable for some friends, co-workers, and even other family members. Sometimes that leads to well intentioned but not very helpful encounters because they want us to wrap it up, bring grief to a conclusion and get back to our former selves. Some grievers try to be considerate, and try to comply with this notion of closure and the need to “snap out of it” because God knows we don’t want to disrupt someone else with our sadness.

I am not sure why we allow the comfort of others to add yet another burden on us. So, as the song from Frozen that became such a hit with children under five says “LET IT GO!” There is no fast track to ending grief. There is no closure. Not in the sense that it is portrayed and desired by non-grievers. Besides, what would closure actually be? Would it be forgetting about your loved one and all the memories and feelings?

It has been a long time since Cory died. Some days it feels like yesterday and others it feels like a lifetime since he was here.The anniversary of his death still makes my heart ache. I still ponder how different my life would be if he had not died. I wonder too what kind of a man he would be today. So I am here to testify that “closure” isn’t possible when someone we love leaves us forever. I am glad.

Be well,

Shirley

PS—Apparently the Catholic School administrators re-admitted the little girl who had been dismissed after missing too many days of school due to her cancer treatment. If you took the time to write them “mahalo”.

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Comments

  1. Judy Driggers says

    May 18, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Shirley, this post about “closure” cannot be more true for those who are grieving. I will never feel that I’m “over” my son’s death. He– and his death–are forever a part of me now. Yes, I am hesitant to speak the truth regarding my well-being around people who are uncomfortable with it. Fortunately, I have family and friends who understand. One of my nephews, who lost an infant son to SIDS, and also just lost his mother (my sister) said this during a recent phone call: “You never get over it. In time you just learn to live with it.”
    Thank you Shirley for putting into words what we all feel. There is no such thing as closure when you’ve lost a loved one.
    I want you to know that I consider myself fortunate to have known Cory — what an amazing boy. He was truly a person who was “wise beyond his years”, as the saying goes. He taught all of us things we needed to know. Bless his big heart!

    Judy

    Reply
    • Shirley Enebrad says

      April 20, 2016 at 10:20 pm

      Aloha Judy,

      Thanks for validating my blog posts. Grief is the great equalizer. We all do it differently and in our own time. It is very humbling don’t you agree? I am so glad Cory’s lessons continue to help people. I too am grateful that you knew him and it makes me smile when you tell me how special he was. I loved hearing the story you told at my Barnes and Noble event. He was such an inspiration….not just to me I have discovered. Take care of yourself. Shirley

      Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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