Lessons from friends

I am feeling small today. It is hard to describe. At times grief is hard to explain. Just in the past few weeks, I have experienced the deaths of several friends whom I loved deeply. Pamala Iacovitti was diagnosed with an aggressive lung cancer and passed within six weeks. I had no idea she was sick. She passed on her birthday. Pamala was a mover and shaker for the Donald Cowan Legacy Choir in Wichita Falls, Texas. I met her while working on a documentary about the choir comprised of 120+ people from many decades of Rider H.S.’s Acappella choir. The doc focused on the music and the dedication to the choir director who had been their greatest inspiration in high school. Pamala was my point of contact for most of what I needed to get the documentary completed. She was feisty and funny and oh so kind. When Mr. C underwent cancer treatments, Pamala was with him and his family every step of the way. She also kept the rest of the choir informed on his progress. Her love and caring for Mr. C were so awe inspiring. My heart broke with her when he died. And now such a short time later, she too crossed over the rainbow bridge. I have been waiting for five years for Pam to walk the beaches of Maui with me. Now she is here in spirit.

The same week I found out about Pamala, I received a call from Alana, the wonderful daughter of my dear friend Kathleen Downey. She bravely told me that her mom had kidneys that were failing, but that was the good news. Stunned, I said, “What?” Alana explained that her mom was just diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and given approximately two weeks longer to be on this plane. I wanted to get on an airplane to see her, but unfortunately, I was just in Seattle two months ago. Alana assured me that Kath was ready to go with no regrets. She would be joining her husband Bernie, who died a few years ago and their daughter Laura, who died from cancer at age 12. That’s how I met the Downey Friedman family. I was running a grief support group for parents whose children died from cancer. At this time I was also helping to conduct weekend grief workshops for grieving children and teens. I became fast friends with Kathleen, who was acerbic, witty and hilarious. She and Bern could have taken their act on the road. When Kathleen brought Alana to one of our grief workshops, I fell in love. What a great kid. She was sad and heartbroken from the death of her beloved sister, but she was my favorite of the day and made a huge imprint on my heart. That imprint has stayed with me all these years. Alana is now without immediate family at a young age. I admire her strength. She stayed with Kath and took care of her momma well and now is hopefully grieving in a healthy way. She knows my home is open to her anytime and that she can call me day or night.

Six months ago LeAnn Peterson, a friend from my former church died suddenly from an aneurysm and just last week another woman I knew from the same church died the same way. Both were younger than Pamala and Kathleen, and both had families who mourn them. I guess when you get to a certain age people around you start to leave with more frequency. I do not like this trend. I thought the age this would start happening would be decades from now.

Sometimes I wonder why some die so young and why others live to 100. Why some people must suffer and others get to skate through life. Why do some die suddenly without the chance to say good-bye and others go through the agony of dying one centimeter at a time? The biggest lesson I want to share today is that we never know when a loved one will leave us, so it is important to tell everyone you care about how much you love him or her. Spread the love. Be like Kathleen Downey Friedman, who died with no regrets. That thought gives me some peace about her death. Although I believe it is just as important to LIVE with no regrets. Let me know what you think.

Be well,
Shirley