I am a grief counselor, workshop facilitator and author with many years spent helping grieving children and teens try to understand the feelings they were experiencing due to a loved one’s death. I learned so much! But, most of what I learned about how to help children understand death and dying was by experiencing it first hand when my little boy Cory, was dying from leukemia. I was completely open with him and his sister. We talked about the process before during and after he died. It wasn’t easy because my daughter was so young. I had it on good authority (Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross) that children under five typically don’t understand the concept of death and it can be very confusing for little ones. My daughter Brie was right on cue because as soon as she turned five it was almost magical to see in her eyes and her facial expressions that she really did get it.
Here is what I learned: Honesty is the best guidepost. Simple answers are key also. Be respectful of the child and don’t talk down to him or her. Depending on the age of the child give the most direct, honest, open, simple answers to his or her questions.
Most kids experience the loss of a pet first. Don’t lie about what happened or where “Fluffy” or “Brutus” went. Use the death of a pet to explain that we are all here for a specific length of time. If your family is religious you should certainly include Heaven and God’s time in your explanation. It helped my children to know that I believe in an afterlife, Heaven, God and eternal life. My son’s out of body experiences for a year and a half before he crossed over the rainbow bridge certainly helped him to believe that he was going to a beautiful place beyond the rainbow bridge. He had no fear.
If you are not religious you will have to formulate your answer in terms the child can understand but don’t scare him or her. I think hearing that you die and your body gets buried and there is nothing more would be very frightening for kids. I will give this point more thought and will write more about it later.
There are some great books that help children understand that every life has a cycle. “The Fall of Freddy the Leaf”, “Tear Soup” and “Lifetimes” are my favorite books for children.
I hope this is helpful. If you need more or a point clarified please don’t hesitate to write in the “comments” section of this blog.
Be well,
Shirley
Me again, Shirley! Your message today is so important. I think I told you what my 4 yr old grandson said about his Uncle Mike’s death. He pointed to a photo of Michael and said “That’s Uncle Mike. He’s the one who died. I miss him.” What struck me is the realization that his parents — another son and his wife — gave him an honest answer about his uncle, and only enough to satisfy questions appropriate to his age.
Okay, now I really have to tell you another story…when my mother-in-law died, my 4 yr old nephew (her grandson) wanted to know where grandma went . No matter what answer was given, he wanted to know specifically where she was at that very moment. After lots of skirting around the issue he finally started figuring out the reality of burial. He got his rain boots and sandbox shovel and announced (angry) “Well I’m going to go get her out!”
Backtracking a little, he was told that she was resting forever in a place where we can’t see her. It seemed to work.
I love your blog, Shirley. It helps me every single time.
Great article and message but who names their pets Fluffy and Brutus–where did you come up with those names?