Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Helping kids understand death…

Helping kids understand death…

September 8, 2014 by Shirley Enebrad 2 Comments

I am a grief counselor, workshop facilitator and author with many years spent helping grieving children and teens try to understand the feelings they were experiencing due to a loved one’s death. I learned so much! But, most of what I learned about how to help children understand death and dying was by experiencing it first hand when my little boy Cory, was dying from leukemia. I was completely open with him and his sister. We talked about the process before during and after he died. It wasn’t easy because my daughter was so young. I had it on good authority (Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross) that children under five typically don’t understand the concept of death and it can be very confusing for little ones. My daughter Brie was right on cue because as soon as she turned five it was almost magical to see in her eyes and her facial expressions that she really did get it.

Here is what I learned: Honesty is the best guidepost. Simple answers are key also. Be respectful of the child and don’t talk down to him or her. Depending on the age of the child give the most direct, honest, open, simple answers to his or her questions.

Most kids experience the loss of a pet first. Don’t lie about what happened or where “Fluffy” or “Brutus” went. Use the death of a pet to explain that we are all here for a specific length of time. If your family is religious you should certainly include Heaven and God’s time in your explanation. It helped my children to know that I believe in an afterlife, Heaven, God and eternal life. My son’s out of body experiences for a year and a half before he crossed over the rainbow bridge certainly helped him to believe that he was going to a beautiful place beyond the rainbow bridge. He had no fear.

If you are not religious you will have to formulate your answer in terms the child can understand but don’t scare him or her. I think hearing that you die and your body gets buried and there is nothing more would be very frightening for kids. I will give this point more thought and will write more about it later.

There are some great books that help children understand that every life has a cycle. “The Fall of Freddy the Leaf”, “Tear Soup” and “Lifetimes” are my favorite books for children.

I hope this is helpful. If you need more or a point clarified please don’t hesitate to write in the “comments” section of this blog.

Be well,
Shirley

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Comments

  1. Judy Driggers says

    September 8, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Me again, Shirley! Your message today is so important. I think I told you what my 4 yr old grandson said about his Uncle Mike’s death. He pointed to a photo of Michael and said “That’s Uncle Mike. He’s the one who died. I miss him.” What struck me is the realization that his parents — another son and his wife — gave him an honest answer about his uncle, and only enough to satisfy questions appropriate to his age.

    Okay, now I really have to tell you another story…when my mother-in-law died, my 4 yr old nephew (her grandson) wanted to know where grandma went . No matter what answer was given, he wanted to know specifically where she was at that very moment. After lots of skirting around the issue he finally started figuring out the reality of burial. He got his rain boots and sandbox shovel and announced (angry) “Well I’m going to go get her out!”

    Backtracking a little, he was told that she was resting forever in a place where we can’t see her. It seemed to work.

    I love your blog, Shirley. It helps me every single time.

    Reply
  2. Scott Newman says

    September 10, 2014 at 3:01 am

    Great article and message but who names their pets Fluffy and Brutus–where did you come up with those names?

    Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Anyone going through the grieving process would benefit from this quick read. Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief is filled with keen insight and wisdom from the author who lost her own son, and through her own grieving process decided to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. In her quest to help others, Enebrad shows tremendous courage and transparency in dealing with her own grief to help others going through the grieving process. Beautifully done.
Lonnie Pacelli "The Project Management Advisor", Bellevue, WA
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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