Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Grief — it is what it is.

Grief — it is what it is.

February 3, 2016 by Shirley Enebrad 2 Comments

I took my little grandson to the park the other day. Pushing him on the swings reminded me of when we were kids and of course, it reminded me of taking my younger brother Bobby to the park when he was a toddler. I remember pushing him on the swings and teaching him to pump his legs. Then, I thought of the empty swings. I thought of the fact that because of cancer and substandard care he won’t be here to play with his eventual grandchildren at a park.

I have heard people recently talking about grief and seen articles about the various stages of grief. Some say five stages while others describe seven. Does defining it in terms of steps and stages really help anyone whose life has been shattered by the death of a loved one? I don’t think so. Were these decided by people who had not actually been through it? It just feels as if certain people who are uncomfortable with grief—especially someone else’s grief want to intellectualize it, schedule the various emotions, put labels on them and by the time you are through the alleged stages you are supposed to be done. Then, everything can go back to normal for those who are uncomfortable with your grief. The problem is that there is no normal. You have to create a new normal without the person who is no longer in your physical world. BTW, Kubler-Ross is the first person who came up with stages of grief but she wasn’t referring to grievers when she did. No, Elisabeth was working with the dying. Her stages were about dying patients. So, all you social work students who have not given Kubler-Ross her due (you know who you are) and those who decided to bastardize what her life’s work was about, shame on you. Elisabeth worked to give dignity to the dying. She took a lot of crap for it. She got a little manic after her strokes but let’s not forget how she revolutionized the way the sick and dying patients were treated—worldwide. Sorry, got side tracked. Back to my original rant, anyone who wants to get you back to “normal” to your pre-life crumbling devastation is doing it for him or herself, not you.

Feel the pain. Flow with it. You can’t stuff it or try to ignore it. Pain comes from the love you had for the person who is gone. If you didn’t love him or her you wouldn’t feel it. It’s a good thing…it will lead to as much healing as you are capable. You will never forget that you have a hole in your heart. You will eventually get used to the hole and the pain. It doesn’t go away. That, my friends, is your new normal. As my friend Martha used to say after a particularly rough grief workshop with half a smile and a shrug, “Grief. It is what it is.”

I keep seeing those empty swings. Makes me sad. But, then I remember Keoni’s giggles. I am grateful.

Be well,
Shirley

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Comments

  1. Penny delos Santos says

    February 3, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Shirl, this is my favorite so far. It resonates of so many truths for each individual. The dying person and the ones left with the ache of losing that loved one. And yes, a death permanently changes us in ways that can’t be explained properly in words (at least not by me) but the ache left in your heart is a very physical feeling. Not like a cut on your finger that shows your blood. No way to explain to the fortunate ones who have escaped ever having lost a loved one. In my mind this helps explain one of the ways I know there is a God. An internal organ can not hurt that bad if he wa not giving us a way to feel our grief. Well, just some ramblings 🙂

    Reply
    • Shirley Enebrad says

      March 5, 2016 at 12:52 pm

      Well said Pen!

      Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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