Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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Grief — it is what it is.

Grief — it is what it is.

February 3, 2016 by Shirley Enebrad 2 Comments

I took my little grandson to the park the other day. Pushing him on the swings reminded me of when we were kids and of course, it reminded me of taking my younger brother Bobby to the park when he was a toddler. I remember pushing him on the swings and teaching him to pump his legs. Then, I thought of the empty swings. I thought of the fact that because of cancer and substandard care he won’t be here to play with his eventual grandchildren at a park.

I have heard people recently talking about grief and seen articles about the various stages of grief. Some say five stages while others describe seven. Does defining it in terms of steps and stages really help anyone whose life has been shattered by the death of a loved one? I don’t think so. Were these decided by people who had not actually been through it? It just feels as if certain people who are uncomfortable with grief—especially someone else’s grief want to intellectualize it, schedule the various emotions, put labels on them and by the time you are through the alleged stages you are supposed to be done. Then, everything can go back to normal for those who are uncomfortable with your grief. The problem is that there is no normal. You have to create a new normal without the person who is no longer in your physical world. BTW, Kubler-Ross is the first person who came up with stages of grief but she wasn’t referring to grievers when she did. No, Elisabeth was working with the dying. Her stages were about dying patients. So, all you social work students who have not given Kubler-Ross her due (you know who you are) and those who decided to bastardize what her life’s work was about, shame on you. Elisabeth worked to give dignity to the dying. She took a lot of crap for it. She got a little manic after her strokes but let’s not forget how she revolutionized the way the sick and dying patients were treated—worldwide. Sorry, got side tracked. Back to my original rant, anyone who wants to get you back to “normal” to your pre-life crumbling devastation is doing it for him or herself, not you.

Feel the pain. Flow with it. You can’t stuff it or try to ignore it. Pain comes from the love you had for the person who is gone. If you didn’t love him or her you wouldn’t feel it. It’s a good thing…it will lead to as much healing as you are capable. You will never forget that you have a hole in your heart. You will eventually get used to the hole and the pain. It doesn’t go away. That, my friends, is your new normal. As my friend Martha used to say after a particularly rough grief workshop with half a smile and a shrug, “Grief. It is what it is.”

I keep seeing those empty swings. Makes me sad. But, then I remember Keoni’s giggles. I am grateful.

Be well,
Shirley

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Comments

  1. Penny delos Santos says

    February 3, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Shirl, this is my favorite so far. It resonates of so many truths for each individual. The dying person and the ones left with the ache of losing that loved one. And yes, a death permanently changes us in ways that can’t be explained properly in words (at least not by me) but the ache left in your heart is a very physical feeling. Not like a cut on your finger that shows your blood. No way to explain to the fortunate ones who have escaped ever having lost a loved one. In my mind this helps explain one of the ways I know there is a God. An internal organ can not hurt that bad if he wa not giving us a way to feel our grief. Well, just some ramblings 🙂

    Reply
    • Shirley Enebrad says

      March 5, 2016 at 12:52 pm

      Well said Pen!

      Reply

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Reviews & Testimonials

Having dealt with the loss of my son, I can totally relate to this book. While reading it, I found myself reflecting back to the “stupid” things that people said to me when I was in the throes of so much pain that I couldn’t see past the very next second. I am comforted by Shirley’s words which are down to earth and easily understood. This book WILL help you if you let it. It is a quick read and is one of the things that I like most about it. Grief is a lifelong journey that changes over time so take care of your heart and read this book. It is… Read more
April Braykovich (Kirkland, WA) (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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Anyone going through the grieving process would benefit from this quick read. Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief is filled with keen insight and wisdom from the author who lost her own son, and through her own grieving process decided to become a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. In her quest to help others, Enebrad shows tremendous courage and transparency in dealing with her own grief to help others going through the grieving process. Beautifully done.
Lonnie Pacelli "The Project Management Advisor", Bellevue, WA
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Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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