There is no timetable for grief. No rules. No typical length of time. You are basically at the mercy of your deepest emotion. That doesn’t mean you cannot just crawl in a hole and wait it out. I have found that with grief, it’s best to face it head-on. Feel the pain. Cry as much as you need. It isn’t easy, nor is it quick. You must do the work. I always warn grievers contrary to the adage about time healing all pain is baloney. You will miss your loved one for as long as you live. At some point, though, you will stop crying and feeling despondent. By some miracle, the memories that previously would have left you emotionally crippled will make you laugh instead. You will adapt to living with their essence or memories without their physical presence. The massive hole in your heart will still be there, but living with the pain will be your new normal. Sorry.
If you feel as if your grief has morphed into depression and you are not able to think clearly, do normal chores, going to work is a struggle, then please see your doctor. You might need antidepressants for a short time. There is no shame in needing to medicate. Your doctor can prescribe for you the best medication to use.
My dear friend went to a grief group recently, and it made her feel worse. I advised her to stop going. Not all groups are helpful. Not all facilitators know how to facilitate a group dynamic. Hers sounded especially bad. I also believe folks should wait at least four months before trying a group. Hearing others talk about their losses can be overwhelming until you are strong enough. Never stay because you feel as if it would be rude to get up and leave. You don’t have to say anything or explain yourself. Just protect your heart.
There are a ton of books about grief available. Most are helpful tools. The ones I don’t like are those that portray people who are grappling with loss as if grief is a mental illness. It’s not. It is a result of loving another who is now gone from your life. That can be from a split or death. We will all experience loss at some point in our lives.
In my book “Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief,” I created 100 snack-size (six words, duh) tips for folks dealing with loss. Typically, the feedback that I get is that people read it through. Then, they keep it next to their beds. When they are feeling down, they open the book randomly, and inevitably, they find the page is precisely what they need.
Be well,
Shirley
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