When I was a small child I loved to lie on my back in the yard and look up at the clouds. I would look for shapes but I also thought that if I looked hard enough and long enough I might get a glimpse of Heaven. When I saw streams of light it depicted for me that God was talking. I still like to think of that one. And I still try to listen to hear what he wants me to know.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I am trying to figure out a balance between keeping my hopes up and fearing the inevitable. I wish God would talk to me now.
I was talking with my friend Barb yesterday as we are both going through a loved one in the throes of cancer escalation. I want to keep believing in miracles but at the same time my brother Bobby is in the ICU. My belief that praying for miracles is taking a hit. I don’t want it to and I know that people at church talk about folks they have prayed for who came out of comas, were cured from cancer and survived terrible accidents. I believe! So, why isn’t my brother getting better? Why is he suffering?
It is difficult to maintain hope and face the fact that anticipatory grief is real at the same time. I told Barb that I couldn’t write about this without offering a reasonable solution or suggestion of how to cope. To be honest I am struggling. It is through the struggle that I realize that it is okay to cry and grieve and be sad for what may likely happen and still have hope for a miracle. If we abandon all hope then we are lost.
This is where we go back to living each day or in my brother’s case each moment as if it were your last and appreciating the time you have. My brother is a true example of that. He is stronger than any of us knew. He is still fighting and will continue to do so. He isn’t giving up because he loves his family and wants as much time with them as possible. I am grateful that he has the sweetest wife and kids to support him. Now, I hear God’s voice… it is telling me to focus my energy on gratitude and try not to lose hope.
That is all I can come up with at this moment. I hope it helps someone.
Be well.
Shirley
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