Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

  • Home
  • Services
  • About
  • Workshops
  • Blog
  • In the News
  • Contact
Double grief – ambiguous and otherwise

Double grief – ambiguous and otherwise

June 30, 2020 by Shirley Enebrad Leave a Comment

My nephew’s mother has been in a memory care facility for a few years. She has early onset Alzheimer’s. He just let me know that hospice is now involved. Due to the Covid 19 virus he hadn’t been allowed to visit her since March. I asked him if he felt as if he had already lost her. I acknowledged how difficult it must be to face her impending death and he said, “Yes, it’s like losing her twice.” His sad words made me think about how complicated grief is in his situation. From our conversation, I wanted to pass along some good tips.

Grieve the losses as they come. Grief is normal. The loss and grief you experience for a loved one with dementia is ongoing: not a one-time trauma, like sudden death. Long term diseases are similar in some ways but it is different to grieve the loss of physical rather than mental connections. From the time you first notice symptoms the person with dementia is experiencing, you will see the losses and changes to cognition, personality, and abilities.  As these changes happen, the loss of memory and the ability to think clearly, the inability to drive safely, or travel, or take care of one’s own needs are losses that must be grieved. The term “ambiguous grief” has been applied. It means you grieve the losses of those abilities while the person is still here physically.

I just read where people experiencing their loved ones’ deterioration due to Alzheimer’s or other types of dementia do not receive support during the process. Sadly, it can be years of dealing with the symptoms of these diseases. The caregivers are coping with the many losses and the anticipatory emotions knowing there is no turning back all while caring for their loved one’s physical needs. There are support groups that can help. I am a firm believer in one on one counseling. Ask for help. I know that is hard for a lot of folks. But, find someone to talk to. Give yourself a break.

If your loved one has to be in a care facility, don’t beat yourself up for not being able to continue caring for him or her. You can only do so much. Guilt is not helpful. Visit as often as you can. But remember to take care of yourself.

If you know someone going through this process, reach out periodically and ask if you can assist or just listen to how he or she is doing under such stressful circumstances. You can offer to stay with the patient while your friend or family member takes a needed break. Or buy him or her beer and allow him or her to vent, cry, brag, or whatever.

I would love to hear from you if you have other ideas or if you need help.

 

Be well,

Shirley

Thank you to Qingbao Meng for the beautiful photograph via Unsplash!

Blog, Grief, Life and Living, Self Care

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Subscribe to receive blog posts via email

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter

Reviews & Testimonials

The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
Shirley, I can’t tell you how much your book touched my life. Your son was an amazing boy-such an upbeat, inspiring, beautiful little boy… although I cried, I also celebrated the person he was. And your writing made me feel like I was a part of your life with your son, instead of just reading about it. Images came to mind. Like when you had to walk that long distance to the hospital with your son in your arms after your car broke down. There were so many others… and the laughs I had with the ghosts!  The feelings I experienced while reading –I … Read more
Lisa Salvati, TV News Reporter, New York (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
This book on coping is such a gift. It’s a quick, concise read that any busy, grief stricken person can benefit from. Knowing that the writer has experienced grief is powerful, she has walked down the lonely, painful journey herself. Thank you for this book as we grieve the loss of my beautiful mother-in-law!
Joanie Raaum (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
The written word can be very powerful and moving, and every so often there is a book that can truly change lives; Over the Rainbow Bridge is that important. It is a true account of a heroic child’s mission in his short life to teach us about love and life, that one and both are the same: eternal. In our culture, where death is almost a taboo subject, Over the Rainbow Bridge will help us confront our fears and embrace life in a “down to earth” way. It is accessible, a comfort to read, as if being embraced by an old friend.
Gei Chan, well-read Artist & Designer
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>
Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
Read all Reviews & Testimonials >>

Copyright © 2025 · Shirley Enebrad · Website Customization by Cascade ValleyDesigns

Copyright © 2025 · Going Green Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in