Shirley Enebrad

Author, Speaker & Grief Counselor

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How to Cope When a Child Dies

How to Cope When a Child Dies

December 17, 2013 by Shirley Enebrad Leave a Comment

When a child dies the earth shifts for everyone who loved him or her. Whether the death was due to an accident, an aggressive infection or the end of a long term illness, when a child is taken too soon there is an avalanche of emotions.

After a five and a half year battle with leukemia my son Cory died. We had just celebrated his ninth birthday. My sister-in-law Anne died after one and a half years fighting pancreatic cancer. She was 40 but her parents felt every bit as horrible as I did. Your child is always your baby no matter how many years they spend on this planet.

The Newtown anniversary just passed this week and the sweet images of the little smiling faces of the victims made tears flow for many people not just the families. How does anyone survive when a child dies? Not to sound trite but it is simple. You have to get up and face each day. You have to go on one step at a time with one foot in front of the other.  For a while the sky wasn’t as blue for me and the things that I had liked to do weren’t as much fun. My desire to do the formerly fun things was not the same. So many things weren’t as important. That felt like depression. The world seemed to stop for a while. It was puzzling  how other people could continue on with their lives like nothing bad had happened. My world had crashed and burned. Honestly I wasn’t outraged or anything but I was sad that Cory’s death didn’t seem to have impacted others as much as it had me. I was wrong of course. I was not the only person who loved and missed Cory. But that is the way it felt at the time. I was wandering around in a fog for several months. But, I pushed myself to get up every day and take care of my daughter and myself…went to work, etc.

For those who have lost a child my advice is to take your time getting back to regular activities. If time is what you need take it. If keeping busy helps as a distraction go for it, but whatever you do – don’t act as if nothing happened. It doesn’t work. Celebrate the child’s life. Honor his or her memory. Keep talking about your child even if you think you are making others uncomfortable. Creating a shrine helps some and for others it prolongs the agony. Everyone is different. I cannot emphasize that enough. We all grieve differently and no two people follow the same timeline. Do not judge yourself by others’ experiences or expectations.  Be kind to yourself. You will miss him or her so much that it hurts beyond description but you also need to focus on the good memories. And, when you are really down ask yourself what your child would want for you or from you. Seek professional help if you need it. There is no stigma. Grief is not a mental illness. The fog will lift eventually and you will begin to notice how blue the sky is or how bright the sun shines. You will laugh again. Don’t feel guilty when that happens. Your child wants you to be happy and healthy.

Those who support grievers need to follow the cues of those you are supporting. Please do not try to fix anything. Just be there to listen and give hugs. Cry with him or her. Whatever you do please do not start telling stories about other people and what they went through or how courageously he or she handled the loss of a child or other loved one. Be present. Cook, bake, clean, organize or help with childcare but most of all just listen when the parent talks about his or her child.

“Time heals” sounds like a good thing to say but don’t. Time doesn’t really heal anyone’s grief. What happens with time is that we grievers get used to the physical body being gone from our sight and touch. So, saying time heals doesn’t really help. Be kind. Be supportive. Live aloha.

Shirley

 

Grief, Self Care

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Reviews & Testimonials

Cory was my favorite patient ever and he taught me more than I could ever teach him. His lessons about Summerland (the afterlife) were profound and his drawings of what he saw ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ helped thousands of people get in touch with their long-buried emotions.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Famed researcher & author of 16 books ‘On Death and Dying’
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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Over the Rainbow Bridge is an intelligent and emotional book that exhibits an unforgettable life and death of a child wise beyond his young years. You don’t have to be grieving to get Cory’s life lessons.
Karen Minton, MA, CAN, Gosnell Memorial Hospice House, Maine
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The greatest gift I received from reading “Over the Rainbow Bridge” is a comforting peace about death and dying. Death is not an ending, but the beginning of a new phase. Powerful. Thanks Cory for your wisdom.Through the life of this 9 year old boy, I learned more insights about heaven and the afterlife than I ever learned by attending church. I don’t know who I’m more impressed with—Cory, a young man who even in death was the most positive, inspirational person I never met; or his mother Shirley who had the courage to really list… Read more
Shelly Heesacker, Freelance TV Field Producer for ‘Oprah’ and ‘The Dr. Phil Show’
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Although I haven’t experienced too much loss, this short, to-the-point book gave me a wealth of very important information on how to help others cope with grief, and how to know what to expect when it happens to me. I learned about things to say and not to say to those grieving, and how important it is to let yourself go through the process when you experience loss. The author knows what she is talking about, as she has experienced extensive loss herself. Concise and helpful tips!
P. Pacelli, Sammamish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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I loved this very human and touching story of a family’s journey with a terminally ill child. Although it was sad, it was also courageous and funny. It was far more about living than about dying, and offers a positive example for all of us to value each day. The messages about life beyond death’s door are intriguing, uplifting, and very believable. Thank you for a beautiful read.
Marcia Shaver (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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This is a must read for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.. It is a quick read and knowing that the author has dealt with loss helps you to know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, we all deal in our own ways. I have read this book three times so far and each time I find something new to help me with the loss of my granddaughter. I will continue to read over and over again and I plan to purchase this book for any friend or family going through this process!
Barb Bottman, Snohomish, WA (after reading Six-Word Lessons on Coping with Grief)
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Books are often described as good, exciting, motivational, or inspirational. Rarely do you find one that is truly life transforming. ‘Over the Rainbow Bridge’ is just such a book. It is absolutely miraculous the impact the story of this little nine your old child had on my perception of life, death, and God. My life has been inspired and enhanced by Cory’s story. If you are depressed for any reason, you will have a change of heart and mind after reading how Cory dealt with every day life in the short time he was here on earth. I can hardl… Read more
Carrie D. Hewitt, Newly Encouraged Mother of Four
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This primer on grief is practical , honest, and totally on the money about feelings, thoughts, and behaviors which are part of the human experience of grief and loss. The six word lessons are understandable, strengthening, and probably because there are only ‘six words’ easily remembered. It also takes direct aim at the guilt experienced about ‘the need to talk about it’.
William M Womack MD, Psychiatrist ("Six Word Lessons" On Coping with Grief)
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I just have to tell you that your book has become a part of me.  I have milked it by only reading it when I was alone and quiet.  I feel I know little Cory now.  It has been a privilege getting to know his sweet spirit.  Thank you so much for sharing a small part of him with me.  I would love to see the video that was made.  Bless your heart for the pure love and strength that you instilled in your sweet baby.  Cory is a true gift to all who get to share his story.
Pamala Butler Iacovitti, Wichita Falls, Texas (after reading Over the Rainbow Bridge)
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