I was really angry when my mother passed away less than three months after my father. He had been in poor health for awhile and my mother was too stoic to let on how exhausted she was from caring for him alone. The health of our parents should have been a priority but when life is busy we did not pay attention as closely as we should have. So, after my father passed we all had plans to do something for our mother to make up for the times she couldn’t go on vacation. My brother wanted to take her to Hawaii. I wanted to treat her to a trip to NYC and a few Broadway shows. Another brother wanted to take her on a cruise. She was so worn out from caring for dad that she got bronchitis and never recovered.
My anger was initially self-directed because I hadn’t done enough for my mother. I was hugely disappointed because she never got to enjoy any of the plans my siblings and I had for her. I worked on my anger, which soon turned to deep sadness. I spent a lot of time examining how much I loved my parents and why I had not spent more time making sure they were okay. I was objective and careful not to let myself off the hook. Once my focus turned to the things I did do for them my anger shifted and then evaporated.
The other thing that helped me and others get through the anger stage? Getting physical. We had a punching bag hanging in our basement. It was for the kids to get their “mads” out when necessary. I spent time punching that bag. I also like to go hiking and commune with nature when I am feeling sad. For years Elisabeth Kubler-Ross had workshop participants rip up telephone books or beat their beds with a length of rubber hose. I have friends who started jogging or going to the gym after the death of a loved one. One of my dear friends, a mom who also lost her son started taking dance lessons. Physical exercise really does help. So if you are grieving get up and start dancing, jogging, running, go hiking, start lifting weights, or punching a bag. It can’t hurt and it just might be what you need.
Be well.
Shirley
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