What happens when the shock and disbelief wears off? People who have been there for you might drift away, thinking you should be “over it” by now. Those who were steadfast are golden.
Some folks think that the second year of grieving is more challenging. I am sure that is true in some ways. But you can overcome it by taking care of yourself. Get good sleep. Eat healthy. Cut back or eliminate vices. Respect your needs. Laugh as much as possible. It truly is healing. It is definitely okay to have fun.
There is no linear recovery time or stages that you must work through. Grief is with you for life. How you deal with your grief will affect your life and the lives of those around you. It is a personal journey with no rules of how long it takes and how you should or should not feel. Do not let others dictate things like that; that is not productive. I have been known to cut people off and chastise them for their insensitivity and arrogance. No one knows exactly how you feel. Everyone grieves in their way and in their own time.
When you have to adapt to being the sole support of your family and, just as with a divorce, your income is likely cut in two, this causes a whole other loss—the loss of financial security. Hopefully, you will receive life insurance, the other person’s retirement fund, 401K, etc. After my divorce, I struggled to make enough money to support my children and myself. It was hard, especially with an ill child. I took a friend and her little boy in to split expenses with her. It was a win-win as she needed a place to live.
The standard advice is not to make significant changes during the first year if possible. The loss of your home can pile on your sense of loss. Moving to a new town or even across town could cause feelings of isolation. You might be leaving your support base. It takes effort to create a new friend circle. Put off moving unless you want to be near relatives who will help you.
You will want time to examine your wants and needs for the future. This will be challenging, so give yourself time to adjust and weigh all your options. Decision making is not easy while grieving. Don’t rush it. Allow yourself to dream, plan, and look forward to the future.
It is widespread for folks to pull back from social interactions while grieving. When you feel the desire to reconnect with people, take it slowly. The friends who stayed near and offered support are a given. It may be time to prioritize your friends list. You are a different person now; some previous friendships are no longer a good fit. You may need to create new friendships with other grievers who can relate to your loss. Do not feel guilty about severing ties with those you no longer gel with.
Family is important. They are grieving, too, but keep communication open. Do not hide your sadness, fears, or anger from those closest to you. Give everyone permission to express honest emotions. It will be healthier for all of you.
Lastly, do not fear asking for help. We all need it at times. Doing it all by yourself will wear you down. You do not have to be strong all the time. Let people in.
Be well,
Shirley
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