You may think that you are healed especially years after a loss… but you can go off the rails and have your grief return bearing down on you again like a runaway steam engine when you have reminders of your loved one’s death. I am sorry to tell you that your grief can return when you experience additional losses, during holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, when you hear a song on the radio or see a certain plant or flower. Some things you cannot prepare for such as what happened to me in a grocery store years after my son Cory died. I had a funny memory about the time when he was a toddler and I had turned away from him for just a moment in the grocery store and when I turned back he was cupping his little hands and yelling “Hey Kool Aid!” at a Kool Aid display and waiting expectantly for a giant pitcher of Kool Aid to burst through the wall. Years after his death I was minding my own business grocery shopping and suddenly I turned a corner and came face to face with a Kool Aid display — I burst into tears and had to leave the store. That kind of moment you cannot prepare for but there are times when you can be ready. What you should do:
•Be prepared. Anniversary, birthday, holiday reactions are normal. Knowing that you’re likely to experience such reactions can help you understand them.
•Plan a distraction. Arrange to visit friends or loved ones during times when you’re likely to be reminded of your loss.
•Focus on happy times. Talk about him or her with someone who is a good listener. Write a letter to your loved one or a list poem and if you haven’t started one create a memory box to store your letters, poem and notes in.
•Honor your loved one. Donate to a charitable organization in your loved one’s name and if he or she had a special cause send gifts on birthdays and holidays.
•Revisit support group. Re-engage with others who are grieving. If you previously attended a group – go back. The others will understand how you are feeling. Let them hold you up.
•Feel your emotions. Allow yourself to experience sadness, as well as joy and happiness.
•Remember that you are a survivor. You made it this far and you can do it again.
Be well.
Shirley
Thanks for these tips, Shirley. It has been just over a year since my brother’s son died, six months since I lost my own son, about four months since a sister died, and a month since another sister’s son died. All the “boys” who died were young men in their prime, their thirties. Next weekend is the memorial for the recent one. Although I will be there to hold my sister up and remember my nephew, I am grateful to be reminded that additional losses can bring on a wave of my own crushing grief. It helps to be prepared and I will remember your suggestions.
Thanks again,
Judy
Judy, I am so glad that my postings have helped you. God bless and hang in there…please let me know if you need to talk. Much aloha. S
Thank you for this reminder, Shirley. Just when it seems to get better, a sad reminder pops up. For me, one thing has been getting used to cooking for one. At the grocery store today, I purchased my first “small” container of Quaker Oats ever. I cringe every time I measure out “one cup of water, one-half cup of oats”, because it has ALWAYS been “two cups of water, one cup of oats”.
Hugs to you Nora. You are in my prayers daily. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Aloha. S