The holidays are always stressful. If you are grieving it is even more so. A dear friend passed a few weeks ago. I really thought that she would survive because of her upbeat positive attitude and the amount of love that surrounded her. It made me really sad to get the news that she crossed over the rainbow bridge. I was not in the mood to decorate or host my annual holiday gathering for friends and neighbors. Fortunately a dear friend stopped by while walking her dogs. She encouraged me to do it anyway. I said I would think about it. My mood shifted when I put up decorations. I didn’t go all the way, but just enough. And I am happy to report that my party was fun for everyone. I am so glad I pushed myself. So, now, you try it if need be.
Here are some things to think about as the holidays approach.
- Remember that your loved one wants you to be happy. Acknowledge your pain and then put your energy into honoring his or her memory.
- Make your own memories. The holidays are often difficult, stressful, and sad even for those not grieving. It isn’t about the ads you see in magazines or on TV. The way you feel about holidays comes from memories of your own childhood…some happy some sad. If you are grieving don’t try to live up to the Madison Avenue version of the holidays. Do what you can.
- Continue to include your loved one in your celebrations. I still to this day put ornaments my son made or that were given to him on our tree. I did eventually decide not to hang his stocking, but he is not forgotten.
- Spend family time reminiscing about holidays or occasions when your loved one was still alive.
- On the holiday take some time to watch family videos or go through photos together.
- Laugh often.
- Eat healthy foods and make sure that you are getting enough exercise and sleep.
- Volunteer to help others. It will make you feel good. You might want to invite your family members to join you in serving at a soup kitchen or giving away toys at a shelter or hospital.
- Donate to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give to his or her favorite cause. My brother and sister-in-law donated to charity in my son’s name for the first few years and gave me a card with that information on it. So, while my nieces, nephews and my daughter were opening their gifts it touched me to know that my son was included in the gift giving. In honor of my son Cory, my family always supplies the altar flowers at church on his birthday and at least once during the holidays.
- Again, we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless one is behaving in a self-destructive way. Do what you can.
- Respect the coping style of those who are also grieving. Their style might be the opposite of your but they are doing what they can manage too.
- Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one who died. Acknowledge his or her and do not afraid of upsetting others in the process.
- Create new rituals that include the celebration of your loved one. For example, at your family celebration (or add another group or family gathering such as a lunch or dinner during the holidays) ask each family member or friend to bring an item for a memory box. They could write a favorite memory, share a photo, write a poem or letter and then spend some time sharing each item. Place the items in the box that you all decorated or selected together. Each year add new items.
- Listen to your body. Don’t push yourself too hard. Do what you can. If the death is very recent your first priority is to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
- Surround yourself with supportive, loving, caring people and then, if needed don’t be shy about asking for help. If you don’t have the energy or desire to get your shopping, the house decorated or your holiday baking or cooking done ask those supportive friends and family members for help. Do what you can.
As the holidays approach, I would like to encourage everyone to live with gratitude and the knowledge that you are doing your best to cope with what life has thrown in your path. Do what you can one step at a time and instead of hiding out– get out, be with friends and family. Push yourself. You won’t regret it.
Rest in love and peace Michael Wallace, Drew Griffin, Jay Moyer, Matt Chan, Donna Gregory Hoerdeman, Charlie Coulter, and all those loved ones who graduated the past year or so. I apologize if I have missed anyone. Let me know and I will add them to this list.
Be well and have a heart filled lovely holiday season!
Shirley
Leave a Reply