It’s that time of year again. Yep, every year Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate comes at the same time. Every year there are grievers who will feel the loss of a loved one or loved ones even sharper and deeper because of the empty chair at the table or the annual family photograph is missing someone. So, rather than re-writing this post I am just re-sharing.
Here are some things to think about as the holidays approach.
1) Remember that your loved one wants you to be happy. Acknowledge your pain and then put your energy into honoring his or her memory.
2) Make your own memories.The holidays are often difficult, stressful, and sad even for those not grieving. It isn’t about the ads you see in magazines or on TV. The way you feel about holidays comes from memories of your own childhood…some happy some sad. If you are grieving don’t try to live up to the Madison Avenue version of the holidays. Do what you can.
3) Continue to include your loved one in your celebrations. I still to this day put ornaments my son made or that were given to him on our tree. I did eventually decide not to hang his stocking, but he is not forgotten.
4) Spend family time reminiscing about holidays or occasions when your loved one was still alive.
5) On the holiday take some time to watch family videos or go through photos together.
6) Laugh often.
7) Eat healthy foods and make sure that you are getting enough exercise and sleep.
8) Volunteer to help others. It will make you feel good. You might want to invite your family members to join you in serving at a soup kitchen or giving away toys at a shelter or hospital.
9) Donate to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give to his or her favorite cause. My brother and his wife donated to charity in my son’s name for the first few years and gave me a card with that information on it. So, while my nieces, nephews and my daughter were opening their gifts it touched me to know that my son was included in the gift giving. In honor of my son Cory, my family always supplies the altar flowers at church on his birthday and at least once during the holidays.
10) Again, we all grieve differently.There is no right or wrong way to grieve unless one is behaving in a self-destructive way. Do what you can.
11) Respect the coping style of those who are also grieving. Their style might be the opposite of your but they are doing what they can manage too.
12) Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one who died. Acknowledge his or her and do not afraid of upsetting others in the process.
13) Create new rituals that include the celebration of your loved one.For example, at your family celebration (or add another group or family gathering such as a lunch or dinner during the holidays) ask each family member or friend to bring an item for a memory box. They could write a favorite memory, share a photo, write a poem or letter and then spend some time sharing each item. Place the items in the box that you all decorated or selected together. Each year add new items.
14) Listen to your body. Don’t push yourself too hard. Do what you can. If the death is very recent your first priority is to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
15) Surround yourself with supportive, loving, caring people and then, if needed don’t be shy about asking for help. If you don’t have the energy or desire to get to your shopping, get the house decorated or get your holiday baking or cooking done ask those supportive friends and family members for help. Do what you can.
As the holidays approach, I would like to encourage everyone to live with gratitude and the knowledge that you are doing your best to cope with what life has thrown in your path. Do what you can and LIVE ALOHA.